I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
