the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
