is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
