I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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