do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
why do cheetos always look like penises
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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