He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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