Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
