R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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