he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
