In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
did i just pee glitter
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
