Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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