whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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