You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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