I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
