Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
