I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
