my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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