my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
