I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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