Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
