I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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