dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
