I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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