I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
