I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
