if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
