everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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