What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
