I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
