Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
