I haven't been this sober since birth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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