Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
