I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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