So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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