it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
