i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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