Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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