My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
