i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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