If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
