i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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