It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
