did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
