I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
