Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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