In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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