How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
