you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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