Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
