she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am naked and annoyed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
