Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
