The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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