He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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