I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
