Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
