I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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