can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
