She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
