i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize